weak 4

Well I knew it would get worse...this was a week when a bit of sympathy from the radiographer for my sore bum and telling me I'm doing well had me emerging from Linear Accelerator 1  visibly upset. Since then all the regulars in LA1 waiting room are twice as sweet to me as before . We've had fun too though-now Wimbledon has finished we guffaw to (how did I forget how funny they were?) old episodes of Only Fools and Horses on the waiting room TV at around 3 every afternoon.

I'm sitting like the Princess and the Pea on a pile of pillows to write this. But the radiographers all agree I am doing very well (my skin is holding out). The treatment has gone into phase two. The lymph glands are now done (the skin there is now what my old non PC granny from Cornwall would have called 'nigger brown' but it's intact). The radiation is now concentrated on the area of the tumour itself and attacks it full on and from each side. Radiation continues to work 10 days after it is administered and the effects build so I have worked out that: today I have
11 days till the end of my treatemnt
21 days till the effects cease to build
31 days till the side-effects have faded
As 11 is the easiest number to deal with that's the number I have chalked on my blackboard that gets decreased by one every day.
This week I also had a blood transfusion. My white blood cells and red blood cells are now back where they should be, I am no longer breathless when I speak and don't pass out suddenly on the sofa.
The pile of potions and lotions has grown but the things that work and that I use are

• blue bowl full of warm water , cotton wool, hairdryer, unguentum cream (basically home-made bidet). I may always do this!
• Ibobrufen 3x a day
• Paracetemol 8 per day
• aqueous cream-all the time

Christine is doing most of the cooking and cleaning and massages my feet to soothe me. Also soothing is the audiobook Corduroy mansions that Al downloaded for me and Mad Men DVD that Dave gave me and the Buddhist meditation tape that Christine gave me.
Yesterday I did something normal for the first time in ages-it was sunny and we drove to the Captain's Wife and had a ginger beer sat looking at the sea and I showed Christine the pretty house nearby I'd like to live in. Dreams Amelia...
On the way back we followed the sign for 'St Peter's Church open' and found a tiny ancient celtic church full of tiny ancient celts selling cakes, tea and plants (the bric a brac was rubbish: second hand bras and the like) so I had a bun with a mountain of glittery pink icing on it and a cup of tea while we sat on old chapel chairs in the sunshine and listened to the Deputy Chief Councillor make a speech about community. Then I  bought a bag of mixed lettuce (10p), a  yellow plant she said was Creeping Jenny but isn't(40p)-according to Al's encyclopaedia it is Garden Loosestrife,  a purple basil plant (15p), a geranium (colour and type unknown 10p)  and then we went home-real life-I love it.
This week's Spotify track is in celebration of  such delights, happened  upon by happy accident. One day Al and I were paying our annual respects to beautiful St david's cathedral and happened upon a rehearsal of  a work by Vaughan Williams, It was the most beautiful music I have ever heard by accident and in a cathedral music always sounds stupendous anyway. The work a plea for peace (written in time of war) it chimes with my vision of a more peaceful future for my lower half Dona Nobis Pacem.

this week I spent more time on the sofa



Monday diahorrea immodium rotten morning drove to hospital cycled to shop to buy dress pattern

Tuesday am sore bum like hit with hammer-crying

I wrote this shorthand on Tuesday in case things got better and I forgot the beginning of the week. Actually week 3 was not so great. The mornings when I go to the loo I have terrible pain but by yesterday I had sorted a few things out. The Thursday review radiographers gave me steroid anti-inflammatory suppositories and cream for the piles that have flared up due to the radiation and are causing much of the pain, I have started taking paracetemol, and, it sounds overdramatic but I find crying with my face in a big soft piece of fabric makes it easier. I also now use cotton wool to wipe my bum and aqueous cream-this cancer is turning me into a big baby!
I am not eating very much because of the above but, aware of the fact I need to keep my strength up in order to recover, I do eat fruit for breakfast and one other meal a day. I also award myself one bounty bar every day and as many Tesco value milk lollies as I want as a small recompense for having anal cancer..the absolutely brilliant thing is that my skin is still fine- a slight sunburnt look-the opposite of the norm-a white body with a tanned fanny and arse.
Emotionally I am held up by the support I get given on a constant basis-yesterday spectacularly with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers Lou declared she had ever seen, and I agree, from my friends at work. I was also sent a beautiful blessing.
In the chemo waiting room on Thursday I sawsomeone I knew-a (mature) ex-student-he loudly told me you had to 'watch the staff as they made mistakes' and also told me at least I hadn't lost my hair as that's bad for a woman ,that with a woman opposite me with a  cold cap on who wa obviously in danger of just that happning. I realised this man was oblivious to the effect his words would have on others as he was probably plum scared-told me he couldn't wait to get on the surgeon's table...I thought then that I wasn't as scared as him and felt lucky-all things are relative!!
I am signed off work for 6 months although can go back before once I'm well again-my GP has a system of writing prescriptions at the flick of  a mouse-he patently felt so sorry for me he prescribed two vast boxes of co-codomal before I could stop him which I'm too scared to take because they cause constipation! I'll ask the review radiographers what they think or even Dr Tom as I have a clinic appointment next Friday before they hook me up to the chemo again.
I have a facebook friend ( the real (not FB) friend of a friend) who has had anal cancer. This means I can ask searching questions about symptoms and treatments from someone who has experienced them personally-what a boon and lucky to find him-there are only 900 people a year in the UK get anal cancer. He has recommended a cream no doctor would have knowledge of the Eros Original Bodyglide Silicone Lubricant and it's even available on Amazon-I have my aqueous cream from the hospital for day to day and my lovely Radiance Skin Gel from Penny Brohn for now still.
Tony has been cheering me up by reminding me of when we went to Paris 40 years ago. I had to go round the galleries as part of my Fine Art degree course. It was all wonderful especially the mayonnaise on the mini quiches, the Tuileries  and the Art. I've never seen the Pompidou Centre or the triangle in front of the Louvre-they weren't built then-Paris has to be on my list of things to do when I'm better and I don't have to suffer a sea crossing this time-I'll go by train or even (exciting!!) plane!
We went in 1971 before Tristan was born when I was listening to the Jefferson airplane-what with all my pills they are this week's choice for my Spotify playlist